thisguy

am due back at work in 7 hours.

:(

had a smashing 12-day break, infused with alcohol, emo-ness, tim-sum, food, computer games and good conversation.

even cleared up my room a little. but didn't read as much as i'd like to. i think i read more pages of the books i've acquired recently in the bookstores i bought them in. didn't wash my car. i did squeeze in a trip to the gym and church though.

i swear i had more pensive thoughts to write down here tonight. but i'll let a post i wrote 2 years ago speak instead.

---

the tragic truth behind new years day

...is the fact that, despite the numbers on the chart changing, everything ever really stays the same. no fresh starts for anyone. unless you've earned it, or deserved it by some divine blessing, you're pretty much stuck where you are.

new year's eve was more or less a repeat of last year's swim in a sea of people. except this year, the ocean of revellers seemed a whole lot bigger and i was pretty pooped out after the cooking session earlier that evening.

perched on a flimsy "balcony" in the middle of westminster, with two very drunk, rambling girls, ck, hy and her boy, we sat and watched the firework smoke clear. no new year's kiss, no poignant revelations, nothing much to show for all the bright lights and thunderclap explosions.

i had been planning to start a complete makeover of this site or maybe rearranging the furniture in my room. but i couldn't think of a good enough reason to go through the whole painstaking process. somehow, maybe superficial changes might mask the fact that nothing's really new afterall, but the changes i really need right now, involve a whole lot more effort and fate than a countdown and fireworks.

in any case, here's a toast to 2004. like a kiss with a hot chick with bad breath, i'm grateful for what i got, but it was unpleasant to say the least and i'm f*cking glad to get it over with.

-020105-

may not always be attracted to the beauty of light - it's the heat that drives them. anywhere, anyway, anyhow, away from the cold.

do you ever get plagued by a destructive desire?
to pack up and leave
to pile it all up and set aflame
to line it up then kick it down
to bury...

then again - since time is fleeting, burning like a candle, perhaps destruction is already in motion.

"It is impossible to step into the same river twice. No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man."
- Heraclitus

it's funny how i read that line while sitting on a makeshift swing, a log tied to a tree, swaying over the sands of a beach in pangkor island over the weekend. it was from a milan kundera book i happened to bring along in an attempt to figure out a few things and eventually finish reading what i started almost a year ago.

we found our way on the island after a bout of spelunking, multiple breakfasts consisting of toast, half boiled eggs, begedel, milo and ming court (behind excelsior hotel - so i remember) dimsum. it was a trip to bid rohan farewell and come to terms with another piece of youth lost to the real world (if there really is no such thing, how come we can't seem to ever lose sight of it?).

through the drunken events, go-karting and flippant conversations that ensued, i couldn't entirely get over the sense of melancholy at the back of my head. perhaps that would be why after 8 cans of beers and a very successful round of bluff, nightmares still plagued my sleep.

i've been to the island many times since childhood, to fish, heal wounds with family, welcome new family members, contemplate regrets with friends, flirt with girlguides and now, to say goodbye.

i can only wonder what the next trip there will be for?