thisguy

while others have been emo-ing around me, left, right and center, i myself am constipated, but not at all empty. i can't separate my thoughts from each other. observations, disappointments, frivolity, analysis, debate, concerns, guilt and emotional support all deserve a mention.

i was going to put up pictures to compensate for the lack of words, but decided that my verbosity needs some salvation.

pictures another day. instead, today - i offer my prayers :

god, give me the strength i need to be of use to my loved ones, to keep my promises to myself and to others and to walk the path you've put me on.

thank you for all your blessings - the sights i've seen, the lessons i've learnt, the love i have in my life and the friends i've made. thank you for filling my days and life with this richness. thank you for your mercies and your forgiveness over our trespasses.

god, watch over the people in my heart, protect them from evil, give them faith, hope and let them know you are with us. god guide me too as i find my way closer to you.

amen

kaiyea (10.9.05), kong kong (17.9.05), little girl (19.9.07), my thoughts, heart and prayers are with you as well.

perhaps it's a sign of confusion with my life, and how hard it's becoming to focus on specific things nowadays, but my dreams have been really weird lately, and the deja-vu moments too...

as if life wasn't unpredictable enough, i've got to watch out for what happens when i sleep too?

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random thought : what's virtual about virtual friendship and virtual experiences? virtual beers, virtual pokes, conversations in virtual reality - at the end of the day, you decide what you want to attach meaning to. some might say that attaching meaning to virtual things is foolish and borderline sad even, and i think i'm guilty - but surely life's too short to place a limit on the amount of meaningful things you allow into your life?

disco dancing, we're dearly driving disarray
whirling dervish, wont you whirl my world away

i realised today how very lost i am. i have my gravity to keep me down, my spirtuality to keep me calm and my love to keep me warm. but i really don't know where it is i'm going and who it is will take me where i need to be. it's not so much the lack of direction, but the lack of knowing which direction, which instinct, which scent to follow.

i went to bed last night with thoughts of how i'd turn things around, quit my job and start a revolution. woke up at 5am and realised how flimsy the notion was - it wasn't even anything close to a dream.

i think one part of me has let the other part of myself down. i tell myself i'm sorry and i'll need time to figure this out, but time is killing off the dialogue between the two distinct parts of me.

times like these, i'm grateful for what few certainties i have going for me right now... the bits of me that i know i am and i know i want to pursue. perhaps everything else is just a "good-to-have".