thisguy

and i've lost myself, found myself and lost yet again,
discovered a city, rediscovered exuberant music,
let go of my friends for awhile to concentrate on family.

i feel like i've been through alot lately, and went through most of it alone - as it should be.

i'm losing my need to share, perhaps because i'm busy compiling the pieces of thought for more analysis before finally deciding what it is there is to say.

i'm working too much, displacing myself too much. it's time to build a better life.

it's late. it's also the first night in a longgg while that i have all to myself. met up with the mates for pre-shoot buzz and supper. played guitar, had dinner at dinner time.

a conversation in a car about calories' effect on prolonging your life got me thinking.

do we really want to prolong our lives?

i'm fine with death now. maybe coz i don't have kids. i don't see why prolonging life should be a worthwhile cause for me personally.

instead, i'd like to know how i can engineer the perfect death for myself. these days, i fear "how" i die, rather than when i die.

there're plenty of worse case scenarios.

cancer - slow and painful.
STDs - slow, no sex and painful.
stroke - debilitating and slow.
gangrape in a public toilet by the plus highway - painful, malu
car accident - ugly, maybe painful

etc.

i'd like to die of a heart attack, preferably in my sleep or at the tail end of an orgasm. never mind when yet. that i really don't mind leaving up to god. but with the advent of so much research into causes of death, i'd like to know how i can rig it so that i die of a heart attack specifically rather than any of the worst case scenarios above.

should i eat more mayonnaise? clog up my arteries more? smoke?

i need to figure out how to increase the risk of dying of a heart attack, while reducing the risk of dying because of any of the above (cancer, stds, etc.)

i'd pay money for a book that would teach me how to get the death of my choice, rather than teaching me how to prolong my life. But ultimately i never want to be so healthy that it would take me 20 years to die after a paralysing stroke - what's the point in that?

after sacrificing the past couple of weekends to work, i really made the most of my free weekend last week. attended 2 gigs - one jazz, one folk and took part in a live performance art event. i'm eager to do more now!

i've been wanting to contribute to the local underground scene here. make a departure from my stiff collar corporate existence and plunge into the pseudo pretentious yet unabashedly talented underbelly of this crazy city.

i'm on the lookout for poetry open mics.

and if i do go, i think i'll read one of the following.

feedback?

purification

i strip my own layers off
like sand from the sea
layer upon layer
until all i see is me

like smeared ink on seared flesh,
sliced skin and torn dress,
the purification hurts at first
but quenches the thirst

for that new beginning
that silver lining
at the end of the storm
feels like something reborn

0205

dead molecules

"you're not the only one who can build walls" he said
and so it began- the silence thickening like frost
cold and impenetrable, but never really permanent
ice sometimes looks empty but never really is
it is the molecules of deep water that suddenly refused to move
indifferent and unfeeling, sometimes we just s t o p

0205

3days(let me in)

why won't you let me in
why won't you sing
play a little music and make the lights go dim

steal the show
start a row
when things heat up we'll go with the flow

why don't you fix this chest
take time off, rest
let loose the demons and try our best

to keep this evening
forget the feeling
forget the leaving, forget deceiving

lock the doors
lie on the floor
why don't we stay up the night till four

why won't you let me in
show a little skin
play a little music when the lights go dim

steal the show
you kiss, i'll blow
tell me if i'm going too slow

why won't you let me in why won't you let me in

052005

i spent most of the waking hours of my weekend painting bright colours onto the walls of a hospital's pediatric emergency ward.

another good weekend spent doing something more fulfilling than writing up strategy reports.

hairy's back in town and tim and nat too. but despite the recent fun antics and drunkard behaviour, i think what i really need is to clean up my life.

we're shifting offices this week. i've to tear down my post-its, organise the facets of my 3-year old consultant brain into little files and cardboard boxes.

it's also spring cleaning and tax time. digging up old receipts and i'm pretty shaken up by my utter lack of financial planning.

so yea, paintjobs, moving, tax and cleaning - i'm sorting out the physical stuff in my life and it's difficult enough - when can i get around to sorting out my thoughts, dreams and emotions?

and when i'm done with all of the above, do i really want to see what my life will finally look like?