thisguy tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10 2008-10-02T17:18:43Z Movable Type Personal 4.1 i named my iphone "left" tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1922 2008-10-02T17:08:55Z 2008-10-02T17:18:43Z 1.09 am. my iphone is singing to me. random songs on a playlist that's too cluttered to be anything but random. its the second day of a 5 day holiday. its the second day i've been working past midnight from... thisguy "all we can do is keep breathing" breathe. manage my time better. complain less. easy. ]]> nude tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1921 2008-09-17T17:42:36Z 2008-09-17T18:06:10Z in a hotel room. packed. showered. plane scheduled tomorrow morning. too many unsightly events in the past week. literally. don't judge me if i find myself indulging in some visual gratification. i wrote earlier about wanting real things again. is... thisguy credit : tokyoundressed.blogspot.comdo you credit the photographer or the director of the shot assuming they're two diff ppl or the model? or our own minds where does the beauty of photos like these begin?]]> hug? tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1920 2008-09-17T04:05:24Z 2008-09-17T04:27:10Z financial meltdowns, political maneuverings, a friend said on her facebook status that there's hardly any reason to watch anything other than the news on tv nowadays. yet, that's all i've been doing during my stay here in mongolia- watching... thisguy financial meltdowns, political maneuverings, a friend said on her facebook status that there's hardly any reason to watch anything other than the news on tv nowadays. yet, that's all i've been doing during my stay here in mongolia- watching grey's anatomy series - in between battling one of the toughest projects of my short career. financial meltdowns happen because of festering assets/non-assets. political maneuverings happen because of mismanaged governments. my grey's anatomy marathon happened because my other hard-drive - the one with all the good movies which i've queued on my to-watch list - is not speaking to my laptop. that's the hard-drve with an inconvenient truth, scoop, thank you for smoking, etc. and i'm stuck with the hard-drive with grey's anatomy. the series can be quite riveting and even enlightening to some extent. but i'm sick of drama. i need to get back to proper productivity. building real things, real relationships again, instead of being stuck at clients in a mongolian mining town. not everything is about work. i'm not an ambitious surgical intern. i'm actually not interested in watching all the investment banks crumble because of their own greed. i'm not interested in watching power hungry politicians wrestle each other. somehow, none of this is real. yet. this is all that i'm surrounded with right now. 48 hours to go. i just want a hug. a real one. ]]> perhaps this is what living feels like again? tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1919 2008-09-01T04:59:32Z 2008-09-01T05:29:34Z 1pm in my shorts i hit facebook before i brush my teeth mouth dry but water is too far away i'll make it someday what's more important is i compile these moments place them on an online photo/note album like... thisguy mgmt cd exchanged to my hands in the smoky strobelit indie night that really seemed like morning 12 hours and 4 chicken wings ago perhaps this is what living really feels like... IMG_0392.jpg IMG_0389.jpg IMG_0397.jpg]]> the summer of 8 tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1918 2008-08-10T15:22:15Z 2008-08-10T16:03:45Z ... is over," he realised, floating near the edge of the pool. beer can, girlfriend, bro-friends nearby, a perfect shade of sunshower, water that felt just the right caress of cool. rohan's leaving on thurs. the last of the abrahams... thisguy ... is over," he realised, floating near the edge of the pool.

beer can, girlfriend, bro-friends nearby, a perfect shade of sunshower, water that felt just the right caress of cool.

rohan's leaving on thurs. the last of the abrahams of summer - off to face london's rat race. it's hard to understand why we didn't do more pool afternoons on the sundays he was here.

redang's come and gone. next week it's mongolia and krabi in rapid succession. (perhaps seoul or beijing in between - depending on layover lengths)

i can't say this summer's been all fun and games. the only off-days i took were for company trips to macau and redang. yet weekend after precious weekend i've managed to interlace a weird successive mix of alternate madness/drunkedness and work.

this weekend, was neither. futsal, swimming, kitten evenings and a really good night last night spent watching John Mayer's "where the light is" concert dvd - can i have more of this please?

for some strange reason, the stereophonic's "dakota" is playing in on one of the websites open in my window tray. the song seems to follow me around. making its presence felt most on the last days of summer...

read on for an entry to the beat of dakota written 4 summers ago...

]]>
august approaches (010805 0010GMT)

thinking back, thinking of you,
summer time, think it was june,
yea think it was june. (it was july actually)
so summer's over. woke up at 4am to send kat off at Heathrow. 2 weeks with the girl but i swear it seemed like months (in a good way). we really pushed ourselves to savour each minute and each new experience together. this was the summer we've been planning and looking forward to since 4 years ago.

made me feel like the one...
in the last 17 days, we've gone thousands of miles on silly jokes, mushy displays of affection and some bright fire that seems to fill our spirits when we're together.

drinking back, drinking for two,
drinking with you and drinking was new
sangria on Venetian steps, mojitos in Brazilian bars, smirnoff ice while picking out dreamboats in cold katharine docks and cold fountain water with cherries in that Parisian park, we've picture postcard memories to fill up many many pages.

i don't know where we are going now
sitting alone now in a quiet room and it's time to sort out thoughts and sort my life out. i've got 2 weeks to move out of my flat and the little eagle's nest i've lived in for the past 2 years. the new place i'll be living temporarily in is alright, but nowhere as comfortable and familiar as my eagle's nest. i guess this is just the first in a series of changes that were inevitably going to happen.

wake up cold coffee and juice,
remembering you -what happened to you?
i wonder if we'll meet again...
all my other friends seem to have moved on and sorted their plans out. friends... i've lost touch with most of them already. but only because we're all scattered and moving around in Brownian motions.

if you're reading this, drop a line and tell me what you've been up to. if only all of us blogged, it'd be so much easier, but i guess life and friendship was never meant to be easy. once things settle down for all of us, i'm sure we'll manage to catch up. i know i don't call, but i really am thinking about you. yes, i really meant YOU.

so take a look at me now
broke but nowhere near broken.
lonely again but far from alone.
i'm tired, but inspired.
watch out world, here i come

... sigh. post-summer 2008.

i. don't. know. where. i. am. going. now.

]]> to rest my head tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1917 2008-07-28T18:04:41Z 2008-07-28T18:38:08Z it feels as if i've been living in time warps. time slowing down, then speeding up, then failing to move at all. i'm in the midst of wrapping up a major project i've been working on sporadically since the beginning... thisguy
  • sunglasses
  • beer money
  • sunblock
  • loose shirts to wear unbuttoned
  • journal (finally found the perfect one in hongkong)
  • iphone+music+headphones (need to bring this back from the dead - it's brickd on me)
  • underwater camera (courtesy of pohsi)
  • guitar (gotta get a new bag for it)
    • its only a weekend holiday but god knows i need it. (dear god, please let us survive the bus rides)]]>     awake tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1916 2008-07-07T20:04:39Z 2008-07-07T20:20:48Z took off early from work today for a change, got home and slept from 6.30-9.30pm. i had spent the weekend sick and working, whilst most of last week was spent working and preparing for a colleague's farewell do. declared a... thisguy took off early from work today for a change, got home and slept from 6.30-9.30pm. i had spent the weekend sick and working, whilst most of last week was spent working and preparing for a colleague's farewell do. declared a mini holiday and veged out in front of the idiot box til 2am. had dinner at midnight. and here i am. a.w.a.k.e. for a change. upon coming back from a trip i realise : it takes 2 weeks to finally clear out pictures from my camera/hard-drives it takes 2 weeks (sometimes more) for me to unpack a suitcase it takes 1 day to keep my passport in a secure place (most prized possession) it takes 1 week to unwrap my newly acquired FHM magazine it takes 2 weeks to realise someone has stolen my bolster from my bed i'm enjoying this moment of clarity at 4am, listening to stina nordenstam's little star on repeat. i need a new laptop. i need a haircut soon. i need to get my sleep cycle back in sync with normal human time. the odd tugs on heartstrings tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1914 2008-07-01T16:51:13Z 2008-07-01T17:08:05Z every now and then i come across snippets of stories online which i suddenly "connect" to. i have a weird fascination with the oddities of life and a tendency to romanticise both the ultra mundane and the peculiar. take this... thisguy COPENHAGEN (Reuters) - A drunken 78-year-old Swede stole a dinghy after a night out in the Danish town of Helsingor and tried to row back to Sweden, but fell asleep halfway, Danish police said on Monday. When the man discovered he lacked the necessary funds to pay for the ferry from Helsingor to Helsingborg in Sweden on Saturday, he decided to row the five km (three miles) across the strait of Oresund that separates the two. He quickly grew tired and, trusting fortune and the currents to see him safely home, took a snooze at the bottom of the boat, where Danish police later found him out at sea, still asleep. The strait is one of the busiest shipping lanes in the world. Police said the owner of the dinghy had decided not to press charges. i'm not sure what connected me. the drunken determination this old man had or his subsequent trust in fate that he would be drifted back home even after he grew tired of rowing. --- i'm back from a pretty eventful trip to macau and hong kong. many firsts, and new experiences as well as the familiar exhaustion that follows days of hitting the road with just a map, water, camera, (no lonely planet!) friends and conversation to get you through the day. if you couldn't already tell, i'm feeling melancholic too. disgruntled with this life that seems to throw us all against each other. like random molecules in a random gravitational pull that makes no sense at all. we collide, impact each other's lives, hold on as tight as we can with the few limbs we have and let go of so many others. if i can't hold on, i want to at least make sure i made an impact big enough to be really felt. in this universe, with it's rules of chemistry, physics, biology, economics and social science, that'll have to do for now. impact. ]]> the opposite of lightness tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1913 2008-06-15T14:11:21Z 2008-06-15T16:12:40Z full. my life feels full. sunday morning 7am 8th of june and i'm staring out the fogged-up window of a suite on the 16th floor. the room is thrashed. alcohol and vomit and the sickening hue of cupcake colours meshed... thisguy aftermath.jpg sunday morning 7am 8th of june and i'm staring out the fogged-up window of a suite on the 16th floor. the room is thrashed. alcohol and vomit and the sickening hue of cupcake colours meshed with the drab shade of the hotel carpets form a stark picture that kind of ties in with the blur from the night before. my friends, my closest allies and new friends, are scattered around. one in a cupboard. two in a pile. three on the bed. two sitting on the sofa, guilt written on their faces. culprits, cohorts, conspirators, companions and cunts, i love them all. it's cold but i've just had a warm shower to wash off the buttery scent of icing sugar and the sticky sweet smell left lingering on me by the stripper that i barely remember. (was she shaved? not shaved? how is it that i only remember the most unattractive part of her - her face?) my body feels clean on the outside, but inside i feel poisoned and my mind's in an alcohol-tainted state of remorse and regret. (as i get older, i find my hangovers get worse. is it because there is more to regret in the painful harsh light of a hungover morning?) still. my overall state of mind is one of extreme gratitude - just for the fact that i survived the night and got so incredibly wasted in the company of my friends. back to where i started, i was looking out the fogged up window onto thecity skyline. kl - my other good friend. barely awake, she looked as hungover as the rest of us. it looked like one of those grey mornings where the world might just decide to call it a day and everything might just end abruptly. and i was ok with it. 25 years and one day old and i think i've gotten the hang of life. i can handle it sober. i can handle it drunk. i can handle it hungover. i can handle it when it's time to pay the bill. --- yesterday, in the same night, i found myself attending n's wedding and m's 40th birthday. in both cases, i sat in as a quiet observer in the profound moments in the lives of two close/old friends. one on the cusp of her new life as half of a married couple. one partying her socks off to the beat of an approaching mid-life crisis. i remember thinking some rather deep thoughts but for the life of me can't recall it now. i think it was something about wanting to get drunk on life. --- i feel full. these couple of months are going to fly by. macau | hong kong | redang | krabi and perhaps mongolia | dubai in between. i'm looking forward to it. i like feeling full, secure and satisfied. but travelling will make me hungry again. in a good way. (i hope) ]]> games tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1902 2008-05-05T18:40:32Z 2008-05-05T18:43:26Z "Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth. Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs. Speak no feeling, no I dont believe you. You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit."Hide and Seek, Imogen Heap I remember hiding as a child,... thisguy "Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
    Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
    Speak no feeling, no I dont believe you.
    You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit."
    Hide and Seek, Imogen Heap I remember hiding as a child, waiting for someone to come find me. The more difficult I made myself to find, the more I wanted to be found. Peeping, out to see if anyone would come, it was always not a big victory to come out of hiding, and realise your playmates just never had a clue how to find you. ]]>     paint tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1897 2008-04-27T17:39:05Z 2008-04-27T18:13:44Z i spent most of the waking hours of my weekend painting bright colours onto the walls of a hospital's pediatric emergency ward. another good weekend spent doing something more fulfilling than writing up strategy reports. hairy's back in town and... thisguy i spent most of the waking hours of my weekend painting bright colours onto the walls of a hospital's pediatric emergency ward. another good weekend spent doing something more fulfilling than writing up strategy reports. hairy's back in town and tim and nat too. but despite the recent fun antics and drunkard behaviour, i think what i really need is to clean up my life. we're shifting offices this week. i've to tear down my post-its, organise the facets of my 3-year old consultant brain into little files and cardboard boxes. it's also spring cleaning and tax time. digging up old receipts and i'm pretty shaken up by my utter lack of financial planning. so yea, paintjobs, moving, tax and cleaning - i'm sorting out the physical stuff in my life and it's difficult enough - when can i get around to sorting out my thoughts, dreams and emotions? and when i'm done with all of the above, do i really want to see what my life will finally look like? 3 poems tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1890 2008-04-17T17:00:43Z 2008-04-17T17:16:35Z after sacrificing the past couple of weekends to work, i really made the most of my free weekend last week. attended 2 gigs - one jazz, one folk and took part in a live performance art event. i'm eager to... thisguy one jazz, one folk and took part in a live performance art event. i'm eager to do more now! i've been wanting to contribute to the local underground scene here. make a departure from my stiff collar corporate existence and plunge into the pseudo pretentious yet unabashedly talented underbelly of this crazy city. i'm on the lookout for poetry open mics. and if i do go, i think i'll read one of the following. feedback?
    purification i strip my own layers off like sand from the sea layer upon layer until all i see is me like smeared ink on seared flesh, sliced skin and torn dress, the purification hurts at first but quenches the thirst for that new beginning that silver lining at the end of the storm feels like something reborn 0205
    dead molecules "you're not the only one who can build walls" he said and so it began- the silence thickening like frost cold and impenetrable, but never really permanent ice sometimes looks empty but never really is it is the molecules of deep water that suddenly refused to move indifferent and unfeeling, sometimes we just s t o p 0205
    3days(let me in) why won't you let me in why won't you sing play a little music and make the lights go dim steal the show start a row when things heat up we'll go with the flow why don't you fix this chest take time off, rest let loose the demons and try our best to keep this evening forget the feeling forget the leaving, forget deceiving lock the doors lie on the floor why don't we stay up the night till four why won't you let me in show a little skin play a little music when the lights go dim steal the show you kiss, i'll blow tell me if i'm going too slow why won't you let me in why won't you let me in 052005
    ]]>     the ideal end tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1888 2008-04-09T18:04:37Z 2008-04-09T18:24:25Z it's late. it's also the first night in a longgg while that i have all to myself. met up with the mates for pre-shoot buzz and supper. played guitar, had dinner at dinner time. a conversation in a car about... thisguy it's late. it's also the first night in a longgg while that i have all to myself. met up with the mates for pre-shoot buzz and supper. played guitar, had dinner at dinner time. a conversation in a car about calories' effect on prolonging your life got me thinking. do we really want to prolong our lives? i'm fine with death now. maybe coz i don't have kids. i don't see why prolonging life should be a worthwhile cause for me personally. instead, i'd like to know how i can engineer the perfect death for myself. these days, i fear "how" i die, rather than when i die. there're plenty of worse case scenarios. cancer - slow and painful. STDs - slow, no sex and painful. stroke - debilitating and slow. gangrape in a public toilet by the plus highway - painful, malu car accident - ugly, maybe painful etc. i'd like to die of a heart attack, preferably in my sleep or at the tail end of an orgasm. never mind when yet. that i really don't mind leaving up to god. but with the advent of so much research into causes of death, i'd like to know how i can rig it so that i die of a heart attack specifically rather than any of the worst case scenarios above. should i eat more mayonnaise? clog up my arteries more? smoke? i need to figure out how to increase the risk of dying of a heart attack, while reducing the risk of dying because of any of the above (cancer, stds, etc.) i'd pay money for a book that would teach me how to get the death of my choice, rather than teaching me how to prolong my life. But ultimately i never want to be so healthy that it would take me 20 years to die after a paralysing stroke - what's the point in that? a whole month has passed tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1887 2008-04-07T13:58:11Z 2008-04-07T14:05:56Z and i've lost myself, found myself and lost yet again, discovered a city, rediscovered exuberant music, let go of my friends for awhile to concentrate on family. i feel like i've been through alot lately, and went through most of... thisguy and i've lost myself, found myself and lost yet again, discovered a city, rediscovered exuberant music, let go of my friends for awhile to concentrate on family. i feel like i've been through alot lately, and went through most of it alone - as it should be. i'm losing my need to share, perhaps because i'm busy compiling the pieces of thought for more analysis before finally deciding what it is there is to say. i'm working too much, displacing myself too much. it's time to build a better life. compass tag:thisguy.eatingchaos.com,2008://10.1873 2008-02-18T17:46:44Z 2008-02-18T17:48:54Z somedays i don't recognise myself anymore. thing is, i kinda like that.... thisguy somedays i don't recognise myself anymore. thing is, i kinda like that.